A boss once told me that I had permission to fail. I have always been afraid of failure. My parents had me repeat a year of preschool, thus delaying my start in kindergarten, on the recommendation of my teachers. Apparently, although I was intelligent and hit all the typical milestones, I was fearful of failing, perfectionism caused me to be slow and meticulous to the point that I was not keeping up with my peers.
So, when I was told that I had permission to fail, it changed the way I looked at the world. I no longer had to view each undertaking as a do-or-die scenario. I no longer had to say no to new opportunities for fear that I would crash and burn. And I no longer had to beat myself up when my plans didn’t live up to my self-imposed expectations.
In the years since I was first told that I had permission to fail I’ve dreamt up dozens of life plans. Some of those plans have come to fruition and are still a part of my life today. But most were failures – mere ideas that sucked up a good deal of my energy and in the end were ultimately abandoned. But were those discarded dreams truly “failures”? Of course not! I grew somehow from each and every one. Worst case scenario, I learned what I did NOT want to do with my life. Best case scenario, the so-called “failure” helped me to discover what I actually DO want to do with my life. My failures have been stepping stones in the creation of my current existence. Who knows where I’d be without them!
I wonder, though, in this fast-paced rat race of life, are we raising our children with permission to fail? We’re expected to have a preschool lined up before our baby is even born and we send teenagers off to college where they’re expected to choose a career track before they’ve ever even worked.
When, where and how do our kids learn the value of exploration just for exploration’s sake, without attachment to the outcome? I can tell you where they are NOT going to learn it – they’re not going to learn it at school, at work (except for me, but that’s because my boss was a new thought minister), or in society at large. So it becomes our jobs, as the parents, to create a safe haven in which our kids can succeed or fail in their own good time. It is our responsibility when praising our children to praise their process rather than their product. We must use language which encourages and applauds their effort and creativity.
There is a fine line to walk here. Is this kind of parenting the same thing as giving a participation trophy to every child on the team, lest we make anyone feel bad for losing? Obviously no one wants a little kid to feel badly for losing. However, we want our kids to know that they don’t need to get a trophy every time, or even most of the time. We want them to play the game not to win and not to get a participation trophy, but because playing the game itself was worth their time, regardless of the outcome. That should be reward enough and if it isn’t then it’s time to find a new game…without feeling like a failure. Because no eight year old knows whether or not they like baseball until they try it.
So, when I was told that I had permission to fail, it changed the way I looked at the world. I no longer had to view each undertaking as a do-or-die scenario. I no longer had to say no to new opportunities for fear that I would crash and burn. And I no longer had to beat myself up when my plans didn’t live up to my self-imposed expectations.
In the years since I was first told that I had permission to fail I’ve dreamt up dozens of life plans. Some of those plans have come to fruition and are still a part of my life today. But most were failures – mere ideas that sucked up a good deal of my energy and in the end were ultimately abandoned. But were those discarded dreams truly “failures”? Of course not! I grew somehow from each and every one. Worst case scenario, I learned what I did NOT want to do with my life. Best case scenario, the so-called “failure” helped me to discover what I actually DO want to do with my life. My failures have been stepping stones in the creation of my current existence. Who knows where I’d be without them!
I wonder, though, in this fast-paced rat race of life, are we raising our children with permission to fail? We’re expected to have a preschool lined up before our baby is even born and we send teenagers off to college where they’re expected to choose a career track before they’ve ever even worked.
When, where and how do our kids learn the value of exploration just for exploration’s sake, without attachment to the outcome? I can tell you where they are NOT going to learn it – they’re not going to learn it at school, at work (except for me, but that’s because my boss was a new thought minister), or in society at large. So it becomes our jobs, as the parents, to create a safe haven in which our kids can succeed or fail in their own good time. It is our responsibility when praising our children to praise their process rather than their product. We must use language which encourages and applauds their effort and creativity.
There is a fine line to walk here. Is this kind of parenting the same thing as giving a participation trophy to every child on the team, lest we make anyone feel bad for losing? Obviously no one wants a little kid to feel badly for losing. However, we want our kids to know that they don’t need to get a trophy every time, or even most of the time. We want them to play the game not to win and not to get a participation trophy, but because playing the game itself was worth their time, regardless of the outcome. That should be reward enough and if it isn’t then it’s time to find a new game…without feeling like a failure. Because no eight year old knows whether or not they like baseball until they try it.
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