Juliet loves shopping at Costco. She loves it mostly for the free samples they give out, but also because usually the person checking our receipt when we leave will draw a smiley face on the receipt for her. Oh to find such pleasure in such simple things. Sigh.

Yesterday as we prepared to leave the store I handed my receipt over for the usual cart inspection. Juliet said in her quiet, high-pitched voice, “Please can you draw a smiley face?” The elderly man started poking around my card saying “What are you missing?” I wasn’t buying much and at first I thought he was joking that I must have forgotten to get something. But he kept saying it in his gruff, curt tone. When he finally said “What word are you missing?” it dawned on me that he was asking Juliet to say “please”. (Mind you he didn’t look directly at her even one time during this entire exchange.) I smiled and explained that she had said “please”. He argued that he didn’t hear her say it.

I left a bit confused and upset. My daughter had done the right thing – she had said please. I had done the right thing by sticking up for her and for what I knew to be true. And I’d done it nicely. But still, this man chose to be upset because a three year old asked him to draw a smiley face, and he thought she hadn’t said please.

And what if she hadn’t? Would that really be so terrible? She didn’t demand “Draw me a smiley face now, old man!” Even if he hadn’t heard the word “please”, he still obviously heard her question, which was very sweetly and politely asked. What is our obsession with making children say please all the time?

I understand the value of manners. Before Juliet could speak she learned sign language, and at fourteen months one of the signs she used most often was “thank you”. She has repeatedly been praised by strangers when we’re out in public for her very polite manners. When someone does something nice for her or gives her a gift her immediate and unprompted response is almost always “Thank you, that’s so kind of you.”

But the fact of the matter is that we don’t expect adults to say please each and every time they make a request. And when they ask nicely without saying please we certainly don’t say “What did you forget to say?” When I ask for cheese at the deli counter I might say “I’d like two pounds of the cheddar.” When I ask my husband to run an errand I might say “Mike, would you drop off the dry cleaning on your way to work?”

Children are learning and growing and trying to figure out the rules of our society. There is bound to be a learning curve, and they’re not going to get it right every time. I don’t get it right every time. So please, be gentle and realistic in your expectations. And don’t expect more of them than you would of your adult neighbor, co-worker, or friend. Don’t expect more of children than you would of yourself.