Note: After 8 years of working at Unity on the North Shore, a spiritual community in Evanston, IL, I have decided to move on. I delivered this last sermon on Sunday, January 22, 2012. I warn you now that it is quite a bit longer than my traditional blog post.

The theme for our Sunday lessons this month is “God = Woman”. Of course God is an energy inside of us, not a man or a woman in the literal sense. But just as there are masculine attributes of God, there are also feminine ones. By identifying and labeling these different aspects of Spirit, we – I believe – experience God a little more fully and tangibly.

It makes sense then, to examine the more feminine traits that make up the one almighty, all-loving power of the universe. So if we say that God = Woman, then we must start by asking what, exactly, is woman?

Women most often define themselves in relation to someone else. Actually, in service to someone else. The loving daughter, the faithful spouse, the caring parent, the doting aunt, the reliable employee. This is often cited as a flaw in a woman – she’s too attached, she’s too giving, she’s too generous. In fact, there’s a clinic diagnosis for this condition. A psychology article written by Jeanne Lemkau and Carol Landau in 1986 dubbed it “the selfless syndrome”, defining it as “a cluster of cognitive, affective, and behavioral symptoms seen in many women psychotherapy clients who have followed cultural prescriptions to seek satisfaction via self-denial and fulfilling the needs of others to the exclusion of their own.”

I find it interesting to note that this article was written about the selfless syndrome, but the authors wrote it specifically about women as they experience this condition, which of course begs the question are men not subject to fall victim to this so-called selfless syndrome

This “selfless syndrome” is also sometimes known as the super-woman syndrome, or the martyr syndrome. There are even connections drawn between selflessness and dependent personality disorder, which is a clinical diagnosis of co-dependency: the reliance on another’s perceptions for one’s own sense of worth.

Lemkau and Landau went on in their article about the selfless syndrome to recommend that “The primary goal of treatment is crisis management and symptomatic relief, followed by an attempt to enhance the woman's awareness of the role that a selflessness stance has had in precipitating the recent crisis and/or in maintaining ongoing personal, marital, and family difficulties.”

I’ll read that once more so that you can fully digest it: “The primary goal of treatment is crisis management and symptomatic relief, followed by an attempt to enhance the woman's awareness of the role that a selflessness stance has had in precipitating the recent crisis and/or in maintaining ongoing personal, marital, and family difficulties.”

Seriously? Selflessness is a clinically diagnosed psychological problem? Well then call me crazy!

Not that people go around referring to me as selfless on a regular basis, but I’m a mom. And I think almost every mom is, to at least some degree, selfless. I mean, for most of us the motherhood journey starts out by forcing us to become very physically selfless, as we somehow create and then grow a tiny human inside our very bodies. That little person in our womb literally lives off of our water, blood and nutrients.

Women are, quite literally, meant to give. We are biologically built to give life to the world. We are givers by nature, by divine appointment, at a very cellular level. But is this giving nature, this selflessness, a disease for women to be cured of?

I’d like to tell you a story. It’s the story of a woman who could be any number of women in the world today. This woman found a man in whom she very much believed. And so she decided to join her life with his, to be with him, to support him. She cooked for him. She accompanied him on business trips. When the day came that he took his last breath, she was by his side in death, just as she was in life. And although this could be any number of women today or throughout all of history, I am in fact speaking of Mary Magdalene, the ever-present, ever-faithful, ever-serving apostle of Jesus.

Why did Mary give so selflessly? Indeed, why does any woman give selflessly?

When Mary and Jesus first met, he exorcised seven demons out of her. It’s a hotly debated issue, what or who those demons were. True demonic possession? Mental instability? Sin?

The Bible, or any book, movie or story for that matter, is nothing if we fail to see ourselves in it. Those demons – whatever they were – were a barrier between Mary and the Holy Spirit. Jesus, a symbol of our Christ Consciousness – a symbol of our inherited divinity – somehow removed that barrier. He reminded Mary of her own inner Christ presence. And the demons – the barriers – were gone.

And so after what must have surely been a profound spiritual experience in Mary’s life, she became one of Jesus’ greatest supporters. She believed in him, and in the good that he could do for others.

This woman walked away from everything she ever knew to follow Jesus. And follow him she did. In the Gnostic gospels it’s written that she became one of Jesus’ closest friends and confidants. At his crucifixion, when the male disciples kept their distance, she was at Jesus’ side. In the gospel of Mary, when, after the resurrection, the other disciples were fearful of speaking about Jesus’ life and teachings, it was Mary who told them to buck up and get on with the work that needed to be done. She devoted her life to supporting the Rabbi. Was that co-dependency? Did Mary Magdalene have “the selflessness syndrome”?

There’s a saying that “behind every great man, is a great woman”… I discussed this recently with a colleague, who felt that the saying was degrading to women. My feminist roots agreed. But my spiritual roots did not. So after further thought, I have come to realize that what I find degrading is not the sentiment that “behind every great man is a great woman”, but the fact that as a culture we feel we should find it degrading. For if we indeed mean those words, that behind every great man is a great woman… what power that is!

And yet, society would have us believe that this supportive female role is one of weakness. Our paternal culture has come to equate anything female with weakness, and so, sadly, nurturing and selflessness have also come to mean weakness.

Worse yet, feminine selflessness has come to mean selfishiness.

Lenkau and Landau give one final recommendation that in the treatment of “the selfless syndrome”” “The importance of trying to engage the male in psychotherapy by addressing his pain when relating to a selfless woman is emphasized.”

Isn’t that nice – to consider his pain when relating to a selfless woman?

I saw The Help this week. What a powerful movie! It’s a story about the civil rights movement told through the lives of housekeepers and maids in Jackson, Mississippi, who are “The Help”. A young white woman, Skeeter, from a well-to-do family comes home from college – the only one of her female friends to have obtained a college education – with a dream of becoming a reporter or a novelist. She begins speaking to “The Help” about their lives and experiences. At first they’re hesitant, but with time two women begin to open up and share their stories.

As the movie progresses more and more of “The Help” start contributing to what eventually becomes a book. This is all done in great secrecy because there’s a lot at stake for everyone involved. But it also becomes very clear along the way that the country – the world – needs to hear these stories. They need to know how these women are passed down as property in family wills, the things that are asked and required of them as less-than-second-class members of society, and the horrendous ways that they are treated by their employers. At one point Skeeter’s boyfriend finds out what she is doing. They have an argument which ends in him calling her “selfish” and storming off.

Women are often called selfish when doing their most selfless work.

As you know, this week marks the end of my employment here. Among the reasons for my resignation is the need to spend more time at home with my children. Mike and I are currently undergoing licensing to become foster parents. This next phase of our family growth is something that we are, of course, apprehensively excited about. The responses we’ve received to this news have run the gamut from applause and excitement to downright concern and nay saying.

As an aside, my absolute favorite response was from Brandon, a 4th grader in our Soul School classes, who, when his mom explained to him what we were going to be doing, looked straight at me and said with a twinkle in his eye “Wow! Well that’s big!” Yes, yes it is. That’s just about how Mike and I feel about it. It’s big, and we can’t say much more at this point. We’re preparing ourselves as much as we can for what is ultimately a totally un-preparable undertaking.

Many have asked why we want to do this. When I get this question I have to push aside my naturally defensive nature, which likes to read far too much into that one word. Why? Are they asking because they don’t think I can? Are the asking because they don’t think I should? Are the asking because they think this is a colossal mistake? Of course, when I remove myself from the situation and look at it objectively I can see clear as day that my defensiveness stems from my own self doubts. Can I do this? Should I do this? Is this is a colossal mistake? But whoever is asking those questions – even if, especially if it is myself, my answer has become my mantra: “If not me, if not we, than who?”

Yes, this journey will forever change my own story. Yes, it will affect my marriage in lasting and permanent ways. Yes, it will forever alter my children’s lives. But this work is mine to do. Call me selfish if you must. But I am woman, and I am selfishly selfless. And that, I believe, is the God in me. The divinity within that is yearning to get out – to hold up the weak, to cleanse the dirty, to clothe the naked, and to love the unloved.

This mission may require sacrifices along the way. Sacrifices of myself, of my plans, of my hopes, sacrifices of my children’s desires and sense of security.

And the sacrifices extend beyond Mike and I and our household. We’re aware that we’re asking our parents to love new grandchildren, and then say goodbye. We’re asking our nephews to befriend and call “family” these… strangers. We’re asking our friends to accept our shifting priorities, and to listen as we cry without reminding us that we chose this life.

Yes, there is no doubt: this is selfish. But I’m done apologizing for and explaining my selfishly selfless choices. Just as Mary Magdalene, I am woman. I am God. And I am selfless. I invite you, my fellow women and men, to join me in finding your inner selfless Goddess, and bringing her forth. Let the world see her light, and be not ashamed of it.